Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
