i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis