Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up under a house in Key West
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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