i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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