I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
