Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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