you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
