I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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