The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
