I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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