now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
