please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
