I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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