I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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