I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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