i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
