Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
