I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
