Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
