Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
