p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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