I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
