i just sent this text using only my big toe
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I said "one day" and that day is not today
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
