thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
