I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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