Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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