dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize