I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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