don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
