so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
