the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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