theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
