We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
