His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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