I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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