i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
