I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is Oprah even human
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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