How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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