You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
