i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
