He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
