the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
