Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
