you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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