You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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