I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
