Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
well most of my day revolves around power hour
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
