Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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