haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
