so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
