i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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