Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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