I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
